Dreams

What wondrous things are dreams. Creative visions frightening or not. Fully charged and aware. It has been mentioned to me that 2010 is The Year of Change. In all fairness I have "changed" it a bit and made it more...well me. 2010 is The Year of Positive Change. This is the year I will stretch my boundaries and make changes. I am afraid. I am excited. This is new for me. Not so much the grandiose ideas but the follow-thru. This is the year of follow-thru. First things first though, I need a dream to follow. I have been having lots of dreams lately of very strange things containing people who I have never met or even thought of before. These however are not dreams worth following or even putting much thought into. What I really need is a yellow brick road to get me from here to a place that is magical and allows me to be me and do what fulfills my desires. I remember once when I was really young I had a dream. I knew what my future held. Then life took over and that dream was swallowed up by responsibilities and such. Now, as an adult I sit here grasping and struggling with what I want. I mean, what do I REALLY want for me. I am a wife, a mother, a caregiver. I love being all these things but they cannot be what makes me who I am. I have never wanted those titles to define my person. I offend people everyday when I say that I am not Mrs. anyone but have a Name of my very own. I had some time to think the other day. I was home all by myself. A wonderful enlightening moment of solitude. I took this brief all to far between moment to consider all the things about me that make me wonderful. After a bit I began thinking of the all the people in my life I respect and look up to. First and foremost there is my best friend. She is my inspiration for much of what think up. She is the inspiration for the banner year I plan to have. She is the inspiration for my follow-thru. She has inspired me to step outside my boundaries and live. My bout of reverie then took an interesting twist. It brought me to thoughts of my mom. I thought of her struggles as a woman, a mom, and a wife. Then of her real life, that which began when she was on her own. She had many obstacles on her road and she always found a way to get on the other side of them. I shared, witnessed really, many of these struggles with her. The time that shined most brightly to me during this trip down memories path was one particular day when I took her to the doctor to receive some treatment. She and I went into the back room escorted by a ninety year old volunteer. My mom sat in the appointed chair and waited a brief period of time for a nurse to come and get her all set up with her IV. These times were always especially painful for my mom as her veins were not well anymore. They had endured a lot at this point. This nurse was as gentle as she could be and my mom only lost a couple of tears due to the agony she was in with the insertion of the needle into one vein and then another after yet another until "the one" was found. I sat there watching and thinking that these nurses are the real heroes of the world and in that moment they meant so much to me it's hard to describe it with words. I thought if I could somehow go back to "do it all over again" I would want to be a cancer treatment nurse. Maybe I would do it in my next life when I have less going on with me. Now, I am not saying that this nurse was better or worse than any other that was there. They all do great work with their patients. It was this moment that brought me back to where I was. In my living room sitting on my chair with my dog in my lap continually putting his head under my hand to so I would pet him. It hit me! Why not?! Why not become a cancer patient nurse? It will be hard work but well worth it, right? I am afraid and will take things one step at a time and see where they lead me. I am going to call and sign up for a class, one class. I might not become a nurse anytime in this life but I am going to take a class. 2010 The Year of Positive Change.